The Legalization of weed in Canada. How everyone is pregnant but me.

I am really wondering how this is going to go down. Come on Justin we need more information on the legalities and such! 

Also I am currently not enjoying having an ear infection and my son is passed out on the couch with some kind of flu bug. Happy New Year?  ;)

Not a quitter, just so tired of feeling bad

Depressed but still kicking, or sitting really.. Giving up is not an option. My kid needs me. All he has in this whole world is me and his mom when it comes down to it. I gotta keep going for another 10 years at the least but the longer the better. I can't let my exes toxic family get their hooks into my sweet boy. 

I may be depressed and anxious but I live for that kid, literally. He is my pride and joy. He is the reason to do everything that I do. Clean, do laundry, cook, play games, go out, go to sleep, wake up. You get the idea. I have him at my place four and half days a week. The thing that bothers is me is even though I try to hide my depression from him he knows anyway. He tells me he loves me and that I am awesome a million times a day and it's sweet but it's awful. I don't want him to feel responsible for my moods. 

If I didn't have time off to do absolutely nothing but sit in my room on my computer I don't know how I would be able to have to energy to cope with my son. He is extremely high energy. He is well behaved and polite most of the time, especially in public. At home he is weird, and active, and in movement 90% of the time. He almost never stops talking, singing, or randomly blurting out vines he has watched on the internet. I love the kid more than life but he overloads my senses constantly and it is tiring on my good days.

I sometimes wish I could just shut everything out. But I have many wishes. I wish I could focus and feel good about myself, enough to accomplish something worthwhile. I wish I could be comfortable around people and in crowds. I wish I could be confident. I wish I knew how to keep my mouth shut instead of talking so much. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I wish I could end my grief. I wish I felt whole enough to be in a healthy romantic relationship with another adult. I wish I would have an amazing helpful idea and then CREATE it and it becomes a sensation and then I, of course, become rich. 

I have thought about it many times and I would do so many things. I would buy land in the country somewhere with a farmhouse and a wrap around porch. I would get a pool and a trampoline and a tree house. I would have swings and all kinds of cool stuff for my kids to have fun with. I would adopt a bunch of kids of all ages and do my best to love them and make their lives better so that they can succeed and be happy and have a family. 

I would give money to children's hospitals. I would give money to help fund birth control in countries that can't afford it to help stop STD's and unwanted pregnancies and starving children. I would give money to charities that support women that have to terminate their wanted pregnancies for medical reasons. There are so many things I would want to do to help lost children in this world but I can barely help myself and my own child because of this crushing depression and anxiety.

If I could function better I would be a daycare worker, a children's aid worker, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a kindergarten teacher, an artist, a video editor, a writer, a sculptor, a carpenter, a nurse, open my own business, be a counsellor for LGBTQ youth, maybe a stand up comedian or a youtube personality. But those are all the dreams I feel completely unable to accomplish in the state I am in right now. This is what I have been struggling with my whole life and will continue to struggle with. I really hope one day to accomplish something for myself to show that I am a worthwhile person when most of the time now I feel really useless. My apologies for the depressing posts. This is my life. I'll try to be more entertaining and funny next time.  Ok how about a nasty joke to finish it off?

What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month. 

If you laughed at that you have a disgusting mind and I like you. If you didn't laugh and thought it was really nasty, I apologize. You are probably pretty normal and have a job and function well in this world. Don't worry I like you too. Keep on swimming.

Stay in and break down

This is me. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am covered in fear and guilt. I am overwhelmed, barely treading water. I don't know what to do. Nothing helps. Drugs, hugs, food, distractions. Nothing makes these awful feelings end or stop.

I spend my money on weed, way too much that I don't have. I am taking prescription medicine for anxiety and depression. I was supposed to go to my parents to do laundry and borrow their car to go the bank to get money that I don't have to spend on drugs because it's all that's keeping me together at the seams right now. 

Then, stupid me, texts my ex (who I co-parent with and am friends with) to tell her not to come drive me over to my moms because I am having a breakdown when I should have just said because I am tired or something. So of course she calls me and now she wants to give me money for me to get drugs and I don't want to because it makes me feel like a fucking loser and just a low life shitty human being. 

I'd pray for help but I don't think there is a God. I'm so tired of fighting to live in this completely fucked up world with so much hate and fucking ignorance, stupidity and violence.

If I could sleep my life away I would. 

I am a very empathetic person. I feel too much, too sharply. It's completely draining and makes me unable to cope with anything in life. When I was a kid I never really though about what I would be when I grew up. I used to hide places and I would tell myself "Nobody loves you, everybody hates you." over and over as I rocked and cried. Then I would think to myself, 'My mommy loves me.' I think that's the only reason I made it through my childhood. I was 8 at the time.

 I think now that I never thought of something to be as an adult because I didn't think I would be alive this long. I really didn't. The fact that I made it out of my 20's is amazing to me. If it weren't for the people in my life that love me I can guarantee I wouldn't be here. 

And every day is the struggle to just survive. I am on disability and cannot work. I get very little money to survive on which unsurprisingly does not help with my anxiety and depression. Even if I were motivated enough to want to go something to try to elevate my mood I have no money to spend on those kinds of things. 

I am 35 years old and I am just so done in with this life.

I can't handle this constant bombardment of thoughts and feelings running scattered through my brain. I can't function.

I want a good life. I want a happy life. It just doesn't seem attainable to me. When I said I am covered in fear and guilt I am. I am suffering through my life. There are not enough distractions in the world. And I have nothing left to give. 

People make suicide sound like a dirty word but it's not. It is what it is. I have talked many people out of killing themselves because I just want to do good for people in this world. I'd kill myself if no one cared about me but I could never be that selfish. My parents, my son, my ex, my best friend, they would all be completely crushed by the loss of me even though what they don't understand is that there's not much left to hold onto now.

Because I am disappearing anyway.

http://www.androidcentral.com/wallpaper/shattered-record

Back to the drawing board

I am miscarrying. It happens. I'm not going to get super upset. It's better than a TFMR. I just assume the egg that fertilised wasn't a good one this month. This is my second miscarriage, both were very early on. It is what it is. October is Infant and child loss awareness month. Much love to all of the warrior women out there struggling.

The Ugly Truth

This is a very personal post. I have what's called a Balanced Translocation. My genetics are shuffled around. Here is a video that explains it in simple terms. I am a visual learner and I thought this video was great.

BALANCED TRANSLOCATION OF CHROMOSOMES

Here is a wonderfully crappy picture I drew in paint to illustrate what Balanced Translocation means. 

So as you can see. It's a bit like Lego. I have all the pieces needed to make a living human being, as here I am blogging and living and such. The problem with having this particular genetic mutation is that you are liable to have a problem procreating and that is why my daughter didn't make it here.

She had a trisomy. Google explains it as 'a condition in which an extra copy of a chromosome is present in the cell nuclei, causing developmental abnormalities.'

So because two of my chromosomes are mixed and matched what can happen is the baby conceived could have a third copy of a chromosome where only a pair is needed, one from the bio mom and one from the bio dad. The extra chromosome, in my case number 18, is what caused my baby to be "not compatible with life" as the doctors would say.

This is a genetic condition so one of my parents also has a BT (Balanced Translocation). I don't know which one but it doesn't really matter at this point. My mother had three live births and two miscarriages. Now I am prone to think that those miscarriages she suffered probably had to do with the BT but science back in the 70's isn't what it is today so I ended up finding out the hardest way a person can find out something like this.

The doctors and geneticists couldn't give me a percentage of likelihood that a trisomy would occur again but obviously it is possible to carry healthy babies or my mom wouldn't have three adult children walking around this world. 

It was explained to me that if I got pregnant again I could be tested at approximately ten weeks along and know two weeks later if my babies genetics are okay or not. At that point I would either have to go get another TFMR (Termination for medical reasons) or hopefully, prepare for a live birth. 

So now to the scariest thing going on in my life right now..

Wish me luck.

Relationship Status Thoughts

I am not the greatest in relationships. I know that. I've only been in one long term relationship and it was pretty unhealthy. I find that most people find me likeable because I'm very good at knowing how to treat people in any given situation. I am a people pleaser by nature but I am enjoying pleasing myself. OK that came off sounding much naughtier then I imagined..

What I mean to say is I tend to put other peoples needs before my own. The more I love that person, the more likely I am to tend to do that. I don't want to do that anymore. I like making myself a priority and I have been trying to do that more lately.

I enjoy spending time with other people but I like it when they have somewhere to go home to. I don't want to spend time with another person 100% of the time. I enjoy my alone time immensely at this point in my life. I don't know if I will ever feel the need to let someone into my life entirely. I tend to end up in relationships with emotionally damaged individuals and I'm just going to say a big no thanks to that in my life anymore. Do I enjoy seeing people? Spending time with people? Sure. But you have your own bed and I have mine. Truth is I have gotten used to sleeping alone. I also have restless leg syndrome so good luck trying to sleep next to me anyway.

As much as society tries to shame us into thinking we are somehow 'less than' if we are not in a committed long term relationship I am not buying into it anymore. I don't need anyone to validate my existence. So yeah, that is just where I am at right now. 

Presidential Debate Highlights | Trump, Clinton Defend Tax Plans

I am attempting to watch the video highlights from the presidential debate last night. I can't believe anyone would want to put Trump in the oval office. I got 3 minutes in and ugh... it's painful to watch. He can't even follow the basic rules of a debate. How many times do they have to tell him like a child, this is not your time to speak?! Hillary had a smarmy smirk the whole time probably because she was dealing with a person that should be put in a time out chair like a 5 year old. He is THAT entitled that he can just talk over anyone. Good luck with that kind of president when there are delicate peace negotiations to be had. Trump is the harbinger of WWIV. Before I get people telling me all the bad stuff about Hillary, I know she isn't a bouquet of roses either but in comparison Trump makes any other option look good.

Hillary's face says it all. It's a joke to be up there "debating" with someone like Trump who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I just don't understand how anyone can want to have a president that doesn't follow the basic rules of a debate. And when she addresses the issue with the emails she says "It was a mistake and I take responsibility for it." I can NEVER picture Trump EVER saying those words about ANYTHING. How can such an entitled man be considered to run a Country? He actually says "To be honest" when talking about how much money he has and his lack of financial disclosure. This guy is so shady.