More Tween Bulls*** from my ten year old son

My son decided today that he would keep one pant leg up and then when I told him to put it down, he decided to argue with me. I hate arguing over stupid sh**. Argue about something that matters. 

Dear son, until you are 18 your mother and I get to make certain choices and guess what? I bought you those pants you are trying to wear to look like a little thug. I am not going to take up with it. You start dressing thuggish and you will receive no respect from anyone. How you present yourself to the world matters. The first thing people are going to see when they look at you is a lazy, disrespectful thuggish kid. It may not be true but that is how you would be choosing to represent yourself. 

If you present yourself wearing clothes that look nice on you and wear them properly then you will be more likely to be treated with respect because you LOOK respectful. The reason Eminem and celebrities like that can get away with wearing their clothes however they want is because they have EARNED respect from their peers because of their HARD WORK and accomplishments in their business lives so they can wear whatever stupid things they want. 

You are not a famous rapper or celebrity, not yet anyway, when you are if you want to follow fashion trends, go right ahead, but what you should really be thinking about is how to START a trend, not follow one. Trend setters are the ones that get ahead in life, not followers. Following trends just make you a 

Hello people of the world! This post is mainly about living with a brain that is wired wrong and also being a mom.

Life has been difficult lately. I went out of town to visit a friend and meet her girlfriend. Meeting new people and being in social situations are big anxiety triggers for me. Right now my social anxiety is at a level that I cannot explain in words so here's a picture I made in paint. Enjoy my awesome talent. Also I did not draw the ambulance gif, that is someone elses drawing. It just seemed like alot of work to draw an ambulance y'know?

I have a son that I met when he had just turned three years old. He is almost 10 years old now. Basically the deal is that I was in a relationship for almost five years with his biological mother. During that time I was the stay at home mom taking care of him while my ex worked as a healthcare practitioner. We are no longer together but she allows me to see my son. This summer he has been with me ALL summer. 

Now my son is a great kid. He is polite, sweet, and completely lovable. He is also super high energy, constantly sensory seeking and in movement, honestly just exhausting to deal with sometimes.  

The thing about anxiety, depression, and having sensory avoiding habits is that it's EXHAUSTING to be dealing with all of that emotion. So trying to get my list of things done, or even just making a list or remembering to bring the list seems almost impossible to deal with on my really bad days.

I had a REALLY bad day yesterday and my son had been pestering me to set up his Pokemon Go password since the night before when I was lying down attempting to not lose my shit. This meme which I stole from the internet explains my feelings about Pokemon Go or anything Poke-related. 

(See internet not claiming anything is mine that actually isn't because people get all butthurt about everything these days!)

So when I first woke up yesterday my immediate sensation was ANXIETY. Crippling, breathtaking, day ruining, ANXIETY. Also I had to pee.

I open my bedroom door and go to the bathroom. I exit the bathroom planning on going to my room to grab my robe and towel. Maybe a bath would calm my senses?!

But of course my son who gets up at like the ass crack of dawn ever since I can remember intercepts me asking AGAIN about his Pokemon Go password. I'm getting very irritated at this point because I already woke up to hearing the sound of saxophone music from the Full House theme song from the living room through my bedroom wall. I HATE saxophone. 

(I stole the saxophone pic from the internets but the red no symbol is all mine bitches.)

I am irritated as all hell and having immense anxiety. But still I keep myself calm and I say to him. "I will do it when I am ready." I go to take my bath but I can STILL hear the T.V. playing even with the door shut and the bathroom fan on.

Then I get a phone call while in the bath from not one, but two people at the same time.. People don't usually call me so for the timing to be so shitty, well it's just my luck. The bath was useless at that point. I got out to go back to my room to get dressed. Not two seconds am I in my bedroom that I hear another knock on my door.

This is the part where I completely lost my shit.

I open the door and he asks me AGAIN about his Pokemon password. This is what happened.

(I am not Xena, nor did I take this picture.)

But again the world doesn't stop because I am feeling like a huge pile of shit or that my son is bugging the absolute crap out of me or that I yelled at him. I still had things to do if I wanted to you know, clothe myself and my son (laundry) and feed myself my and my son (groceries). 

I go over to my moms and start laundry there because my apartment has completely useless machines. If I did my laundry in there I would be spending 20 dollars just to get it done. I decide to leave the child with my mom as I obviously couldn't handle him at the moment. I rarely flip out on him but when I do I always apologise and explain what caused my reaction, in this case incessant pestering.

I've only recently started to understand that much of my anxiety is not only socially related but sensory related. I just came across some information on sensory processing disorder and I am now thinking I have some of that happening and that I always have. I get overwhelmed by sound. I get overwhelmed by new people as well as large groups of people. I am socially awkward and also tend to give T.M.I. and then feel stupid and angry for giving T.M.I. 

I grind my teeth in my sleep. I have actually ground off the bottom fourth of my front tooth. I went to get it fixed but I still haven't gotten a mouth guard. I considered my problem of waking up with anxiety may be being caused by the constant siren sounds outside my window, waking up hearing the television blasting and the child banging around endlessly.

While on the edge of insanity and having chest pain I got groceries and went in search of ear plugs. I was on a mission. I went to the dollar store, nope, not there. I went to Walmart and you would think they would have them, but nope! So I went to the drug store and finally found some. During this time I had texted my ex to tell her my anxiety was really bad and if she could pick up the kiddo after work and take him for the night that would probably be best. 

She said she would go get him A.S.A.P. My mom babysat him for about an hour till his mom picked him up. I thanked them both for their help and understanding.

So now it's the day after all that. I slept with ear plugs in and woke up without a sore jaw and without that awful feeling of anxiety first thing in the morning. I hope this works for when my son is here. I'm going to have to tell him no TV till I get up. 

See the fun thing about me and my son is that we are polar opposites when it comes to sensory issues. He is sensory seeking and I am sensory avoiding. So you can see how it could be a difficult mix. 

So there you go. Luckily my ex is going to keep him for the next few days. I need a break. Tonight I am still going to his Tae Kwan Doe test. If he does well he gets his yellow belt. Hopefully he isn't going to still be upset about yesterday, but he usually bounces back pretty quickly. 

Irony that one of my earlier blogs was called Depression and Dead Babies...

So I haven't been blogging in.. forever. I am going to try to make a concerted effort to do it more regularly. Update time! So I have been single for a while and boy does it SUCK being the other mother. I think that's what I should have called my blog. Maybe I can change it. Anywho, I am the secondary mom because I was in a relationship with said childs biological mother for a long time and during that time I raised him therefore acquiring said son, who is awesome by the way. However co-parenting is a challenge to say the least, especially as the "other" mother.

But then that is the ideal..

So on to the irony! I decided to try to have a baby on my own with a donor! Ooooooh she crazy! Yes I am, a little. But I did it anyway. And I did it all by myself, well except for the generous contribution from my sperminator. I got pregnant pretty easily and was all excited as a person is likely to be. Everything was seemingly okay other than feeling nauseated for for the first 3 months and then ravenous for the next two. And after the first trimester everything is bound to be okay! .... NOPE! That is a total lie that society tells us.

The real truth is that most times when you find something wrong with your baby it's during the second scan at 18 to 22 weeks. The worst part is that there is this seeming collusion to minimize the concern over the pregnancy and telling the woman. "We should make an appointment for another test, but it will probably be just fine!" Well it PROBABLY WASN'T. I went at 19 weeks for my first second trimester ultrasound still blissfully ignorant and wondering what the sex of my child was. When the ultrasound tech leaves the room to go talk to someone and takes a while to come back, that's a bad sign, if you didn't know.

At that point it was off to the high risk unit, a week later. So I go in at 20 weeks and I find out my baby has a growth in her kidney, yes she was a girl, and a possible heart defect, oh and if that wasn't bad enough she had hydrocephalus. According to google:

 "Hydrocephalus is commonly referred to as "water on the brain." The so-called "water" is actually cerebrospinal fluid (CSF), a clear liquid that looks like water and is produced in the 4 ventricles (cavities) of the brain, connected by narrow pathways."

Now what google doesn't tell you is that because of all that extra fluid in the head, the brain doesn't have the room it needs to grow. Also they can't do fetal surgery for that while you are pregnant. I called other hospitals in other countries hoping for some kind of miracle doctor that could save my baby by putting a shunt in her head. But I was simply in denial. My childs odds were insurmountable. My doctor told me it was probably a genetic fluke and it just happens sometimes. They sent off some tests while I was going through one of the stages of grief, acceptance.

I came to the decision to have a termination. I never thought in my entire scope of life that I would EVER choose to terminate a life growing inside of me because any child I would have would have been wanted. I never even thought something like this could happen or would happen. It's the big huge thing no one talks about seriously, dead babies.

I had to wait another 4 days to get the termination. Four days that I walked around feeling her move inside of me. Four days I had to say goodbye to someone I thought would be a part of my life for as long as I lived. The first thing I did was call a friend to get me marijuana. I was losing my mind over the loss of my child and I knew at this point it wouldn't hurt her and it would help me to calm down so that her last days weren't all feeling my overwhelming anxiety and sense of loss.

I went to a quiet place, a park, and I held my belly and I talked to her and I apologised to her for not making her healthy. I told her I loved her and said goodbye. I was a little over 23 weeks pregnant (5 months) when I had to go in to the hospital and lay on a bed while a doctor put a HUGE needle through my belly and uterus and into my baby girl to put her down like you would a broken puppy.

It took the doctor 3 tries because she moved around so much. She was a fighter my little girl but in the end she couldn't run from it, and neither could I, there was no where to go. Then it took 3 days of waiting while medicine designed to begin labour was pushed into my vagina every few hours. I had an epidural not knowing that you can't eat after having one. I was starving the whole time and all I could have was jello. And I waited. For three days. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and felt different, hot and strange and I knew.

My nurse said maybe I should go pee, I didn't think so but I agreed to try. I sat up and blood and fluid ran down my leg ruining my new slippers. She was coming. My ex, who I have a long and complicated relationship with was the one that was there for me the entire time. We had shared losses in our past so it seemed oddly appropriate.

My child was born while I was holding the hand of Rachel the nurse on my right and my ex on the left. My eyes were locked shut but I felt her slip out of my body into the sounds of my crying, not hers. Both our eyes were closed and hers were never to be opened. I will always wonder what colour her eyes would have been.

I don't care what religious people say. My own aunt, my "god mother" basically called me a murderer in a facebook message to my mom. But I have a clear conscience because I took her pain. I took it and I carry it every day so she didn't have to feel it. She had peace and that's more than I will ever have. She will always be my little girl. She will always live in my heart. I will miss her endlessly.

Sorry this was hella depressing but this is a part of my life and it's a part I talk about because I don't want her forgotten, her or any of the other babies and mothers that have gone through this debilitating loss. Don't worry I have BPD so my moods change quickly I'm sure the next blog will be much more fun. But at least you know why the post was titled as it is.

I wrote this poem during those 4 days I had left with her. In the end I did get to see her face and kiss her but it wasn't healing for me. I just knew if I didn't do it I would regret it. But she was already gone and I knew and felt that. She wasn't warm, her belly didn't move up and down and her eyes never opened. In the end I grabbed my exes hand and led her out of that hospital. I left that hospital with a memory box, not a baby, and what kind of memories are in that box now? The saddest piece of my heart lives in that box.

Now if you have read this far then this is your reward. On the way back home with my ex driving of course, I had this overwhelming feeling that is very hard to put into words. It was like everything and nothing at the same time. It felt like the universe blanketing me in joy and absolute brokenness all at the same time. I can't really explain it but it is something I have never felt in my 33 years of living on this planet and she gave me that. I choose to believe that was her gift to me.

Mondays Suck.. so let's enjoy some random youtube videos!

Hiya,

The gf and I were talking about who we would have at a celebrity dinner party if we could have anyone. So which ten celebs would I invite? I would have Neil Patrick Harris; for so many reasons I don't feel I need to name any. He is simply made of win.

Number 1: NPH


Number 2: Zooey Deschanel

Zooey is one of those girls you can't hate. She is just the right amount of friendly adorable and weird. I loved her on the T.V. show Weeds and especially in the movie Eulogy. Her sister Emily is on a show called Bones. Emily and Zoe bought a house together (duplex) I love to see such close siblings. I just found out Zooey is in a band called She and Him. I love this cover she does. Zoeey is a classic.



Number 3: Wanda Sykes

Funny, intelligent, opinionated people are my favourite people. Wanda's stand up is brilliant. She made the movie Monster In Law bearable. I loved her in Clerks 2. Her appearances on The Ellen Show are some of my absolute favourites. Her newest stand up called I'ma be me is highly entertaining. I suggest everyone watch it and enjoy! Here's a clip from her stand up show Sick and Tired.



Number 4: Ellen Degeneres

Because she is Ellen. I would even have a completely vegan meal made if that's what it would take. I love meat.. but I love Ellen more. That's saying something. So here is a double dose of Wanda on The Ellen Show.



Number 5: Portia De Rossi

And not because she is married to Ellen. Portia has her own shit goin' on. I cam across a T.V. show she was on called Better Off Ted. Unfortunately it only lasted for 2 seasons. The show is smart and funny and so worth taking the time to check out.





Number 6: Joss Whedon

Because he is Joss Whedon. Creative Genius. Without him Buffy, Firefly, Serenity, Dollhouse and Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog would not exist. *hugs Joss* Meryl Streep (who doesn't respect and like Meryl?) She extols the virtues of Joss Whedon.



Number 7: Felicia Day

Felicia is my favourite redheaded nerd. She has worked with Joss Whedon on many projects. She's also worked with NPH and Nathan Fillion. Her webtv series entitled The Guild can be seen on youtube. Check it out!



Number 7: Nathan Fillion

A fellow Canadian. Huzzah! I gotta have a couple of them.. I just like Nathan Fillion. I never see him on something and think it's complete crap. He makes things fun. And a big shout out to Firefly and Serenity fans! FOX sucks for canceling it after only a season. *shakes my fist at Fox*



Number 8: Ellen Page

Great Actor..


Bad Singer..


And always cool in her dorky way.. I would love to chill with Ellen Page. She looks like a fun person to hang out with. Definitely invited.

Number 9: Margaret Cho
The notorious character assassin. She's the one that we want. She plays Teri on Drop Dead Diva. She is a stand up comedian. She's the worlds favourite faghag. She's here she's queer and we're happy to have her at the dinner table.



Asian Chicken Salad? Yes please.





Number 10: Kirsten Vangsness




My dream would come true if all of these people got together and made a movie or television series. *Geekgasm!* Can you picture it? *sighs* And I LOVE LOVE LOVE that she mentions Will Wheaton. And speaking of Will Wheaton. He was in The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon is the shit. Game Over Moonpie.





Well thanks for reading and watching! *walks away humming the soft kitty song*

Gunborg The IKEA Monster

Hi everyone,

I'm retardexcited for my Toga Party tomorrow. I've never thrown a party before. I know I'm 28 and I've never thrown a party but the way I always looked at it is that whoever HAS the party has to clean up the aftermath. I was just being smart and going to other peoples parties. But hey I figure what the hell? What's a little clean up when there's all that fun involved?

Yesterday gf and I went shopping for the party. It was so fun! We got pillows and faux gold earrings and bangles .. *sings* All the old paintings on the tomb they do the sand dance doncha know. hehe Bangles. But yeah, all the stuff downstairs makes me squee with antici...pation *bites knuckles*


We also went to IKEA for cheap food. Hurray for Swedish meatballs and mashed potatoes! When we went to get drinks there was the standard fare, Brisk Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, Pepsi etc. but what caught my eye was the fountain labeled "Longo Berry". I'm all like WTF is longo berry juice? Longo isn't even a word in the dictionary on the spellcheck. Right now it has a squiggly red line under every mention of longo..
So this is what a longo berry bush looks like. Also longo berry juice is yummy and especially so if you mix it with some Sprite.


I'm looking for a job right now and since we were recently at IKEA I thought what the hell, why not apply? So impulsively I went to their website and did so. Then I got thinking about it and I realized if I did get the job I would be lost most of the time. That place is a freaking labyrinth! It's bloody discombobulating is what it is. I can imagine me in my little uniform coming around a corner and meeting up with a minotaur made out of IKEA furniture named Gunborg.


I know, scary right?! But don't worry about me. It's a David and Golliath kind of thing except I won't have a slingshot, all I need is an Allen key to slay Gunborg and restore peace to the land of IKEA.


Well that was fun but now I have to go use the Allen key for other quests, like tightening the screws on my bed frame ;) Until next time!

Depression and Dead Babies

Hi, Lyn again,

For a long time I was very depressed. Now I'm sure many of you are wondering "Why is she talking about depression, that's not funny at all! She might as well talk about Hitler and dead babies!" But depression can be funny after a time, once your perspective changes, after the drug treatments..


I've noticed that there seems to be an epidemic. There's alot of cancer going around. Everyone has cancer. If you are wondering what you are going to die from, it's cancer.

//\\ Scary Cancer Cells above! //\\

Also there are many busy, anxious, stressed people in the world and I am one of the anxious, definitely not one of the busy. In my case that might be the problem. Basically I do nothing. Yesterday I streamed every Harry Potter movie in sequence out of pure boredom.

..........What I see......... What my friend Sarah sees


I have some attention issues. Like when I was standing in a restaurant downtown earlier I counted how many men with facial hair were in the room. Why? No discernible reason. I just wanted to know.

The real question is why don't these guys have noses?

Another epidemic is crazy. Most people I know have had or will shortly have a nervous break down for some reason. The reasons will be valid. The smart people are the ones that break down in private so not too many people know about it.
When it's public knowledge that you're a basket case (in which I mean me not you I'm sure you're very well adjusted) people treat you like you're going to spontaneously maul them like a bear.


Like my friend Sarah, her break down was public as was my own because it was re-occurring. We had periods of "really crazy" and "kind of minimally functionable" crazy. Sarah is one of my best friends. We dated very briefly in our early 20's but
after 10 days I realized it wasn't going to work out. Because we are both too crazy to be together. It would be horrible!

Sarah would be all "I have a headache, oh my god it's a brain tumor!" and I'd be all "It's not a tumor" from Kindergarten Cop with the Schwarzenegger accent as I try to calm down her crazies.


But then what about my crazies? What about when I'm being neurotic and wondering if I'm going to be broke and destitute in an old age home with no visitors. Who's gonna try and stop my crazy train? Certainly not Sarah. If anything she would hop on the crazy train and yell "choo choo!"

My friends and I got high alot. I don't think that helped with Sarah's ADD. I wonder if I'm ADHD sometimes because I sometimes get so excited about the smallest things, like my girlfriend Tracey who woke me up one morning by throwing the lights on and opening the curtain. She was just so happy it was a beautiful sunny day And she wanted me awake to share in the joy where as I, well I was like..


I'm sleeping peacefully in near total darkness and all of a sudden there's noise and light and dear god why?? Peace becomes chaos. And there's the girlfriend smiling maniacally "Wake up it's a beautiful day!"


Speaking of ADD I forgot I was talking about getting high. Some of the funniest shit happens when a person is high and for some reason you can only remember it well when you get stoned again. When you're sober you can't remember alot of the details but as soon as you're high you're like "Remember that time when we went tobogganing at 4am behind the emerald hotel?"

That was an interesting night. I'm with my two friends Stefan and Fish. They were roommates at the time. And Stefan's other roommates brother who they called Dickles. Dickles was special. I mean maybe at one point he had been okay but after
years of torture from his brothers and I'm guessing many blows to the head he was just fucked.

This guy went down the hill on the toboggan as Fish, Stefan and I watched and it was great.. till he hit the pavement. I could hear that wonderful wood on pavement sound followed almost immediately by a pain filled "Fuck!" Any regular person would have rolled off the toboggan before it hit the pavement, but not Dickles. It's people like him that crowd our emergency rooms. It's people like him that entertain us. They always go to the extreme. It's the crazy people in this world that make it great.