Hello people of the world! This post is mainly about living with a brain that is wired wrong and also being a mom.

Life has been difficult lately. I went out of town to visit a friend and meet her girlfriend. Meeting new people and being in social situations are big anxiety triggers for me. Right now my social anxiety is at a level that I cannot explain in words so here's a picture I made in paint. Enjoy my awesome talent. Also I did not draw the ambulance gif, that is someone elses drawing. It just seemed like alot of work to draw an ambulance y'know?

I have a son that I met when he had just turned three years old. He is almost 10 years old now. Basically the deal is that I was in a relationship for almost five years with his biological mother. During that time I was the stay at home mom taking care of him while my ex worked as a healthcare practitioner. We are no longer together but she allows me to see my son. This summer he has been with me ALL summer. 

Now my son is a great kid. He is polite, sweet, and completely lovable. He is also super high energy, constantly sensory seeking and in movement, honestly just exhausting to deal with sometimes.  

The thing about anxiety, depression, and having sensory avoiding habits is that it's EXHAUSTING to be dealing with all of that emotion. So trying to get my list of things done, or even just making a list or remembering to bring the list seems almost impossible to deal with on my really bad days.

I had a REALLY bad day yesterday and my son had been pestering me to set up his Pokemon Go password since the night before when I was lying down attempting to not lose my shit. This meme which I stole from the internet explains my feelings about Pokemon Go or anything Poke-related. 

(See internet not claiming anything is mine that actually isn't because people get all butthurt about everything these days!)

So when I first woke up yesterday my immediate sensation was ANXIETY. Crippling, breathtaking, day ruining, ANXIETY. Also I had to pee.

I open my bedroom door and go to the bathroom. I exit the bathroom planning on going to my room to grab my robe and towel. Maybe a bath would calm my senses?!

But of course my son who gets up at like the ass crack of dawn ever since I can remember intercepts me asking AGAIN about his Pokemon Go password. I'm getting very irritated at this point because I already woke up to hearing the sound of saxophone music from the Full House theme song from the living room through my bedroom wall. I HATE saxophone. 

(I stole the saxophone pic from the internets but the red no symbol is all mine bitches.)

I am irritated as all hell and having immense anxiety. But still I keep myself calm and I say to him. "I will do it when I am ready." I go to take my bath but I can STILL hear the T.V. playing even with the door shut and the bathroom fan on.

Then I get a phone call while in the bath from not one, but two people at the same time.. People don't usually call me so for the timing to be so shitty, well it's just my luck. The bath was useless at that point. I got out to go back to my room to get dressed. Not two seconds am I in my bedroom that I hear another knock on my door.

This is the part where I completely lost my shit.

I open the door and he asks me AGAIN about his Pokemon password. This is what happened.

(I am not Xena, nor did I take this picture.)

But again the world doesn't stop because I am feeling like a huge pile of shit or that my son is bugging the absolute crap out of me or that I yelled at him. I still had things to do if I wanted to you know, clothe myself and my son (laundry) and feed myself my and my son (groceries). 

I go over to my moms and start laundry there because my apartment has completely useless machines. If I did my laundry in there I would be spending 20 dollars just to get it done. I decide to leave the child with my mom as I obviously couldn't handle him at the moment. I rarely flip out on him but when I do I always apologise and explain what caused my reaction, in this case incessant pestering.

I've only recently started to understand that much of my anxiety is not only socially related but sensory related. I just came across some information on sensory processing disorder and I am now thinking I have some of that happening and that I always have. I get overwhelmed by sound. I get overwhelmed by new people as well as large groups of people. I am socially awkward and also tend to give T.M.I. and then feel stupid and angry for giving T.M.I. 

I grind my teeth in my sleep. I have actually ground off the bottom fourth of my front tooth. I went to get it fixed but I still haven't gotten a mouth guard. I considered my problem of waking up with anxiety may be being caused by the constant siren sounds outside my window, waking up hearing the television blasting and the child banging around endlessly.

While on the edge of insanity and having chest pain I got groceries and went in search of ear plugs. I was on a mission. I went to the dollar store, nope, not there. I went to Walmart and you would think they would have them, but nope! So I went to the drug store and finally found some. During this time I had texted my ex to tell her my anxiety was really bad and if she could pick up the kiddo after work and take him for the night that would probably be best. 

She said she would go get him A.S.A.P. My mom babysat him for about an hour till his mom picked him up. I thanked them both for their help and understanding.

So now it's the day after all that. I slept with ear plugs in and woke up without a sore jaw and without that awful feeling of anxiety first thing in the morning. I hope this works for when my son is here. I'm going to have to tell him no TV till I get up. 

See the fun thing about me and my son is that we are polar opposites when it comes to sensory issues. He is sensory seeking and I am sensory avoiding. So you can see how it could be a difficult mix. 

So there you go. Luckily my ex is going to keep him for the next few days. I need a break. Tonight I am still going to his Tae Kwan Doe test. If he does well he gets his yellow belt. Hopefully he isn't going to still be upset about yesterday, but he usually bounces back pretty quickly.