Not a quitter, just so tired of feeling bad

Depressed but still kicking, or sitting really.. Giving up is not an option. My kid needs me. All he has in this whole world is me and his mom when it comes down to it. I gotta keep going for another 10 years at the least but the longer the better. I can't let my exes toxic family get their hooks into my sweet boy. 

I may be depressed and anxious but I live for that kid, literally. He is my pride and joy. He is the reason to do everything that I do. Clean, do laundry, cook, play games, go out, go to sleep, wake up. You get the idea. I have him at my place four and half days a week. The thing that bothers is me is even though I try to hide my depression from him he knows anyway. He tells me he loves me and that I am awesome a million times a day and it's sweet but it's awful. I don't want him to feel responsible for my moods. 

If I didn't have time off to do absolutely nothing but sit in my room on my computer I don't know how I would be able to have to energy to cope with my son. He is extremely high energy. He is well behaved and polite most of the time, especially in public. At home he is weird, and active, and in movement 90% of the time. He almost never stops talking, singing, or randomly blurting out vines he has watched on the internet. I love the kid more than life but he overloads my senses constantly and it is tiring on my good days.

I sometimes wish I could just shut everything out. But I have many wishes. I wish I could focus and feel good about myself, enough to accomplish something worthwhile. I wish I could be comfortable around people and in crowds. I wish I could be confident. I wish I knew how to keep my mouth shut instead of talking so much. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I wish I could end my grief. I wish I felt whole enough to be in a healthy romantic relationship with another adult. I wish I would have an amazing helpful idea and then CREATE it and it becomes a sensation and then I, of course, become rich. 

I have thought about it many times and I would do so many things. I would buy land in the country somewhere with a farmhouse and a wrap around porch. I would get a pool and a trampoline and a tree house. I would have swings and all kinds of cool stuff for my kids to have fun with. I would adopt a bunch of kids of all ages and do my best to love them and make their lives better so that they can succeed and be happy and have a family. 

I would give money to children's hospitals. I would give money to help fund birth control in countries that can't afford it to help stop STD's and unwanted pregnancies and starving children. I would give money to charities that support women that have to terminate their wanted pregnancies for medical reasons. There are so many things I would want to do to help lost children in this world but I can barely help myself and my own child because of this crushing depression and anxiety.

If I could function better I would be a daycare worker, a children's aid worker, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a kindergarten teacher, an artist, a video editor, a writer, a sculptor, a carpenter, a nurse, open my own business, be a counsellor for LGBTQ youth, maybe a stand up comedian or a youtube personality. But those are all the dreams I feel completely unable to accomplish in the state I am in right now. This is what I have been struggling with my whole life and will continue to struggle with. I really hope one day to accomplish something for myself to show that I am a worthwhile person when most of the time now I feel really useless. My apologies for the depressing posts. This is my life. I'll try to be more entertaining and funny next time.  Ok how about a nasty joke to finish it off?

What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month. 

If you laughed at that you have a disgusting mind and I like you. If you didn't laugh and thought it was really nasty, I apologize. You are probably pretty normal and have a job and function well in this world. Don't worry I like you too. Keep on swimming.

Stay in and break down

This is me. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am covered in fear and guilt. I am overwhelmed, barely treading water. I don't know what to do. Nothing helps. Drugs, hugs, food, distractions. Nothing makes these awful feelings end or stop.

I spend my money on weed, way too much that I don't have. I am taking prescription medicine for anxiety and depression. I was supposed to go to my parents to do laundry and borrow their car to go the bank to get money that I don't have to spend on drugs because it's all that's keeping me together at the seams right now. 

Then, stupid me, texts my ex (who I co-parent with and am friends with) to tell her not to come drive me over to my moms because I am having a breakdown when I should have just said because I am tired or something. So of course she calls me and now she wants to give me money for me to get drugs and I don't want to because it makes me feel like a fucking loser and just a low life shitty human being. 

I'd pray for help but I don't think there is a God. I'm so tired of fighting to live in this completely fucked up world with so much hate and fucking ignorance, stupidity and violence.

If I could sleep my life away I would. 

I am a very empathetic person. I feel too much, too sharply. It's completely draining and makes me unable to cope with anything in life. When I was a kid I never really though about what I would be when I grew up. I used to hide places and I would tell myself "Nobody loves you, everybody hates you." over and over as I rocked and cried. Then I would think to myself, 'My mommy loves me.' I think that's the only reason I made it through my childhood. I was 8 at the time.

 I think now that I never thought of something to be as an adult because I didn't think I would be alive this long. I really didn't. The fact that I made it out of my 20's is amazing to me. If it weren't for the people in my life that love me I can guarantee I wouldn't be here. 

And every day is the struggle to just survive. I am on disability and cannot work. I get very little money to survive on which unsurprisingly does not help with my anxiety and depression. Even if I were motivated enough to want to go something to try to elevate my mood I have no money to spend on those kinds of things. 

I am 35 years old and I am just so done in with this life.

I can't handle this constant bombardment of thoughts and feelings running scattered through my brain. I can't function.

I want a good life. I want a happy life. It just doesn't seem attainable to me. When I said I am covered in fear and guilt I am. I am suffering through my life. There are not enough distractions in the world. And I have nothing left to give. 

People make suicide sound like a dirty word but it's not. It is what it is. I have talked many people out of killing themselves because I just want to do good for people in this world. I'd kill myself if no one cared about me but I could never be that selfish. My parents, my son, my ex, my best friend, they would all be completely crushed by the loss of me even though what they don't understand is that there's not much left to hold onto now.

Because I am disappearing anyway.

http://www.androidcentral.com/wallpaper/shattered-record