Depressed but still kicking, or sitting really.. Giving up is not an option. My kid needs me. All he has in this whole world is me and his mom when it comes down to it. I gotta keep going for another 10 years at the least but the longer the better. I can't let my exes toxic family get their hooks into my sweet boy.
I may be depressed and anxious but I live for that kid, literally. He is my pride and joy. He is the reason to do everything that I do. Clean, do laundry, cook, play games, go out, go to sleep, wake up. You get the idea. I have him at my place four and half days a week. The thing that bothers is me is even though I try to hide my depression from him he knows anyway. He tells me he loves me and that I am awesome a million times a day and it's sweet but it's awful. I don't want him to feel responsible for my moods.
If I didn't have time off to do absolutely nothing but sit in my room on my computer I don't know how I would be able to have to energy to cope with my son. He is extremely high energy. He is well behaved and polite most of the time, especially in public. At home he is weird, and active, and in movement 90% of the time. He almost never stops talking, singing, or randomly blurting out vines he has watched on the internet. I love the kid more than life but he overloads my senses constantly and it is tiring on my good days.
I sometimes wish I could just shut everything out. But I have many wishes. I wish I could focus and feel good about myself, enough to accomplish something worthwhile. I wish I could be comfortable around people and in crowds. I wish I could be confident. I wish I knew how to keep my mouth shut instead of talking so much. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I wish I could end my grief. I wish I felt whole enough to be in a healthy romantic relationship with another adult. I wish I would have an amazing helpful idea and then CREATE it and it becomes a sensation and then I, of course, become rich.
I have thought about it many times and I would do so many things. I would buy land in the country somewhere with a farmhouse and a wrap around porch. I would get a pool and a trampoline and a tree house. I would have swings and all kinds of cool stuff for my kids to have fun with. I would adopt a bunch of kids of all ages and do my best to love them and make their lives better so that they can succeed and be happy and have a family.
I would give money to children's hospitals. I would give money to help fund birth control in countries that can't afford it to help stop STD's and unwanted pregnancies and starving children. I would give money to charities that support women that have to terminate their wanted pregnancies for medical reasons. There are so many things I would want to do to help lost children in this world but I can barely help myself and my own child because of this crushing depression and anxiety.
If I could function better I would be a daycare worker, a children's aid worker, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a kindergarten teacher, an artist, a video editor, a writer, a sculptor, a carpenter, a nurse, open my own business, be a counsellor for LGBTQ youth, maybe a stand up comedian or a youtube personality. But those are all the dreams I feel completely unable to accomplish in the state I am in right now. This is what I have been struggling with my whole life and will continue to struggle with. I really hope one day to accomplish something for myself to show that I am a worthwhile person when most of the time now I feel really useless. My apologies for the depressing posts. This is my life. I'll try to be more entertaining and funny next time. Ok how about a nasty joke to finish it off?
What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
If you laughed at that you have a disgusting mind and I like you. If you didn't laugh and thought it was really nasty, I apologize. You are probably pretty normal and have a job and function well in this world. Don't worry I like you too. Keep on swimming.
No comments:
Post a Comment