Not a quitter, just so tired of feeling bad

Depressed but still kicking, or sitting really.. Giving up is not an option. My kid needs me. All he has in this whole world is me and his mom when it comes down to it. I gotta keep going for another 10 years at the least but the longer the better. I can't let my exes toxic family get their hooks into my sweet boy. 

I may be depressed and anxious but I live for that kid, literally. He is my pride and joy. He is the reason to do everything that I do. Clean, do laundry, cook, play games, go out, go to sleep, wake up. You get the idea. I have him at my place four and half days a week. The thing that bothers is me is even though I try to hide my depression from him he knows anyway. He tells me he loves me and that I am awesome a million times a day and it's sweet but it's awful. I don't want him to feel responsible for my moods. 

If I didn't have time off to do absolutely nothing but sit in my room on my computer I don't know how I would be able to have to energy to cope with my son. He is extremely high energy. He is well behaved and polite most of the time, especially in public. At home he is weird, and active, and in movement 90% of the time. He almost never stops talking, singing, or randomly blurting out vines he has watched on the internet. I love the kid more than life but he overloads my senses constantly and it is tiring on my good days.

I sometimes wish I could just shut everything out. But I have many wishes. I wish I could focus and feel good about myself, enough to accomplish something worthwhile. I wish I could be comfortable around people and in crowds. I wish I could be confident. I wish I knew how to keep my mouth shut instead of talking so much. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I wish I could end my grief. I wish I felt whole enough to be in a healthy romantic relationship with another adult. I wish I would have an amazing helpful idea and then CREATE it and it becomes a sensation and then I, of course, become rich. 

I have thought about it many times and I would do so many things. I would buy land in the country somewhere with a farmhouse and a wrap around porch. I would get a pool and a trampoline and a tree house. I would have swings and all kinds of cool stuff for my kids to have fun with. I would adopt a bunch of kids of all ages and do my best to love them and make their lives better so that they can succeed and be happy and have a family. 

I would give money to children's hospitals. I would give money to help fund birth control in countries that can't afford it to help stop STD's and unwanted pregnancies and starving children. I would give money to charities that support women that have to terminate their wanted pregnancies for medical reasons. There are so many things I would want to do to help lost children in this world but I can barely help myself and my own child because of this crushing depression and anxiety.

If I could function better I would be a daycare worker, a children's aid worker, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a kindergarten teacher, an artist, a video editor, a writer, a sculptor, a carpenter, a nurse, open my own business, be a counsellor for LGBTQ youth, maybe a stand up comedian or a youtube personality. But those are all the dreams I feel completely unable to accomplish in the state I am in right now. This is what I have been struggling with my whole life and will continue to struggle with. I really hope one day to accomplish something for myself to show that I am a worthwhile person when most of the time now I feel really useless. My apologies for the depressing posts. This is my life. I'll try to be more entertaining and funny next time.  Ok how about a nasty joke to finish it off?

What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month. 

If you laughed at that you have a disgusting mind and I like you. If you didn't laugh and thought it was really nasty, I apologize. You are probably pretty normal and have a job and function well in this world. Don't worry I like you too. Keep on swimming.

Stay in and break down

This is me. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am covered in fear and guilt. I am overwhelmed, barely treading water. I don't know what to do. Nothing helps. Drugs, hugs, food, distractions. Nothing makes these awful feelings end or stop.

I spend my money on weed, way too much that I don't have. I am taking prescription medicine for anxiety and depression. I was supposed to go to my parents to do laundry and borrow their car to go the bank to get money that I don't have to spend on drugs because it's all that's keeping me together at the seams right now. 

Then, stupid me, texts my ex (who I co-parent with and am friends with) to tell her not to come drive me over to my moms because I am having a breakdown when I should have just said because I am tired or something. So of course she calls me and now she wants to give me money for me to get drugs and I don't want to because it makes me feel like a fucking loser and just a low life shitty human being. 

I'd pray for help but I don't think there is a God. I'm so tired of fighting to live in this completely fucked up world with so much hate and fucking ignorance, stupidity and violence.

If I could sleep my life away I would. 

I am a very empathetic person. I feel too much, too sharply. It's completely draining and makes me unable to cope with anything in life. When I was a kid I never really though about what I would be when I grew up. I used to hide places and I would tell myself "Nobody loves you, everybody hates you." over and over as I rocked and cried. Then I would think to myself, 'My mommy loves me.' I think that's the only reason I made it through my childhood. I was 8 at the time.

 I think now that I never thought of something to be as an adult because I didn't think I would be alive this long. I really didn't. The fact that I made it out of my 20's is amazing to me. If it weren't for the people in my life that love me I can guarantee I wouldn't be here. 

And every day is the struggle to just survive. I am on disability and cannot work. I get very little money to survive on which unsurprisingly does not help with my anxiety and depression. Even if I were motivated enough to want to go something to try to elevate my mood I have no money to spend on those kinds of things. 

I am 35 years old and I am just so done in with this life.

I can't handle this constant bombardment of thoughts and feelings running scattered through my brain. I can't function.

I want a good life. I want a happy life. It just doesn't seem attainable to me. When I said I am covered in fear and guilt I am. I am suffering through my life. There are not enough distractions in the world. And I have nothing left to give. 

People make suicide sound like a dirty word but it's not. It is what it is. I have talked many people out of killing themselves because I just want to do good for people in this world. I'd kill myself if no one cared about me but I could never be that selfish. My parents, my son, my ex, my best friend, they would all be completely crushed by the loss of me even though what they don't understand is that there's not much left to hold onto now.

Because I am disappearing anyway.

http://www.androidcentral.com/wallpaper/shattered-record

Back to the drawing board

I am miscarrying. It happens. I'm not going to get super upset. It's better than a TFMR. I just assume the egg that fertilised wasn't a good one this month. This is my second miscarriage, both were very early on. It is what it is. October is Infant and child loss awareness month. Much love to all of the warrior women out there struggling.

The Ugly Truth

This is a very personal post. I have what's called a Balanced Translocation. My genetics are shuffled around. Here is a video that explains it in simple terms. I am a visual learner and I thought this video was great.

BALANCED TRANSLOCATION OF CHROMOSOMES

Here is a wonderfully crappy picture I drew in paint to illustrate what Balanced Translocation means. 

So as you can see. It's a bit like Lego. I have all the pieces needed to make a living human being, as here I am blogging and living and such. The problem with having this particular genetic mutation is that you are liable to have a problem procreating and that is why my daughter didn't make it here.

She had a trisomy. Google explains it as 'a condition in which an extra copy of a chromosome is present in the cell nuclei, causing developmental abnormalities.'

So because two of my chromosomes are mixed and matched what can happen is the baby conceived could have a third copy of a chromosome where only a pair is needed, one from the bio mom and one from the bio dad. The extra chromosome, in my case number 18, is what caused my baby to be "not compatible with life" as the doctors would say.

This is a genetic condition so one of my parents also has a BT (Balanced Translocation). I don't know which one but it doesn't really matter at this point. My mother had three live births and two miscarriages. Now I am prone to think that those miscarriages she suffered probably had to do with the BT but science back in the 70's isn't what it is today so I ended up finding out the hardest way a person can find out something like this.

The doctors and geneticists couldn't give me a percentage of likelihood that a trisomy would occur again but obviously it is possible to carry healthy babies or my mom wouldn't have three adult children walking around this world. 

It was explained to me that if I got pregnant again I could be tested at approximately ten weeks along and know two weeks later if my babies genetics are okay or not. At that point I would either have to go get another TFMR (Termination for medical reasons) or hopefully, prepare for a live birth. 

So now to the scariest thing going on in my life right now..

Wish me luck.

Relationship Status Thoughts

I am not the greatest in relationships. I know that. I've only been in one long term relationship and it was pretty unhealthy. I find that most people find me likeable because I'm very good at knowing how to treat people in any given situation. I am a people pleaser by nature but I am enjoying pleasing myself. OK that came off sounding much naughtier then I imagined..

What I mean to say is I tend to put other peoples needs before my own. The more I love that person, the more likely I am to tend to do that. I don't want to do that anymore. I like making myself a priority and I have been trying to do that more lately.

I enjoy spending time with other people but I like it when they have somewhere to go home to. I don't want to spend time with another person 100% of the time. I enjoy my alone time immensely at this point in my life. I don't know if I will ever feel the need to let someone into my life entirely. I tend to end up in relationships with emotionally damaged individuals and I'm just going to say a big no thanks to that in my life anymore. Do I enjoy seeing people? Spending time with people? Sure. But you have your own bed and I have mine. Truth is I have gotten used to sleeping alone. I also have restless leg syndrome so good luck trying to sleep next to me anyway.

As much as society tries to shame us into thinking we are somehow 'less than' if we are not in a committed long term relationship I am not buying into it anymore. I don't need anyone to validate my existence. So yeah, that is just where I am at right now. 

Presidential Debate Highlights | Trump, Clinton Defend Tax Plans

I am attempting to watch the video highlights from the presidential debate last night. I can't believe anyone would want to put Trump in the oval office. I got 3 minutes in and ugh... it's painful to watch. He can't even follow the basic rules of a debate. How many times do they have to tell him like a child, this is not your time to speak?! Hillary had a smarmy smirk the whole time probably because she was dealing with a person that should be put in a time out chair like a 5 year old. He is THAT entitled that he can just talk over anyone. Good luck with that kind of president when there are delicate peace negotiations to be had. Trump is the harbinger of WWIV. Before I get people telling me all the bad stuff about Hillary, I know she isn't a bouquet of roses either but in comparison Trump makes any other option look good.

Hillary's face says it all. It's a joke to be up there "debating" with someone like Trump who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I just don't understand how anyone can want to have a president that doesn't follow the basic rules of a debate. And when she addresses the issue with the emails she says "It was a mistake and I take responsibility for it." I can NEVER picture Trump EVER saying those words about ANYTHING. How can such an entitled man be considered to run a Country? He actually says "To be honest" when talking about how much money he has and his lack of financial disclosure. This guy is so shady.

More Tween Bulls*** from my ten year old son

My son decided today that he would keep one pant leg up and then when I told him to put it down, he decided to argue with me. I hate arguing over stupid sh**. Argue about something that matters. 

Dear son, until you are 18 your mother and I get to make certain choices and guess what? I bought you those pants you are trying to wear to look like a little thug. I am not going to take up with it. You start dressing thuggish and you will receive no respect from anyone. How you present yourself to the world matters. The first thing people are going to see when they look at you is a lazy, disrespectful thuggish kid. It may not be true but that is how you would be choosing to represent yourself. 

If you present yourself wearing clothes that look nice on you and wear them properly then you will be more likely to be treated with respect because you LOOK respectful. The reason Eminem and celebrities like that can get away with wearing their clothes however they want is because they have EARNED respect from their peers because of their HARD WORK and accomplishments in their business lives so they can wear whatever stupid things they want. 

You are not a famous rapper or celebrity, not yet anyway, when you are if you want to follow fashion trends, go right ahead, but what you should really be thinking about is how to START a trend, not follow one. Trend setters are the ones that get ahead in life, not followers. Following trends just make you a 

Hello people of the world! This post is mainly about living with a brain that is wired wrong and also being a mom.

Life has been difficult lately. I went out of town to visit a friend and meet her girlfriend. Meeting new people and being in social situations are big anxiety triggers for me. Right now my social anxiety is at a level that I cannot explain in words so here's a picture I made in paint. Enjoy my awesome talent. Also I did not draw the ambulance gif, that is someone elses drawing. It just seemed like alot of work to draw an ambulance y'know?

I have a son that I met when he had just turned three years old. He is almost 10 years old now. Basically the deal is that I was in a relationship for almost five years with his biological mother. During that time I was the stay at home mom taking care of him while my ex worked as a healthcare practitioner. We are no longer together but she allows me to see my son. This summer he has been with me ALL summer. 

Now my son is a great kid. He is polite, sweet, and completely lovable. He is also super high energy, constantly sensory seeking and in movement, honestly just exhausting to deal with sometimes.  

The thing about anxiety, depression, and having sensory avoiding habits is that it's EXHAUSTING to be dealing with all of that emotion. So trying to get my list of things done, or even just making a list or remembering to bring the list seems almost impossible to deal with on my really bad days.

I had a REALLY bad day yesterday and my son had been pestering me to set up his Pokemon Go password since the night before when I was lying down attempting to not lose my shit. This meme which I stole from the internet explains my feelings about Pokemon Go or anything Poke-related. 

(See internet not claiming anything is mine that actually isn't because people get all butthurt about everything these days!)

So when I first woke up yesterday my immediate sensation was ANXIETY. Crippling, breathtaking, day ruining, ANXIETY. Also I had to pee.

I open my bedroom door and go to the bathroom. I exit the bathroom planning on going to my room to grab my robe and towel. Maybe a bath would calm my senses?!

But of course my son who gets up at like the ass crack of dawn ever since I can remember intercepts me asking AGAIN about his Pokemon Go password. I'm getting very irritated at this point because I already woke up to hearing the sound of saxophone music from the Full House theme song from the living room through my bedroom wall. I HATE saxophone. 

(I stole the saxophone pic from the internets but the red no symbol is all mine bitches.)

I am irritated as all hell and having immense anxiety. But still I keep myself calm and I say to him. "I will do it when I am ready." I go to take my bath but I can STILL hear the T.V. playing even with the door shut and the bathroom fan on.

Then I get a phone call while in the bath from not one, but two people at the same time.. People don't usually call me so for the timing to be so shitty, well it's just my luck. The bath was useless at that point. I got out to go back to my room to get dressed. Not two seconds am I in my bedroom that I hear another knock on my door.

This is the part where I completely lost my shit.

I open the door and he asks me AGAIN about his Pokemon password. This is what happened.

(I am not Xena, nor did I take this picture.)

But again the world doesn't stop because I am feeling like a huge pile of shit or that my son is bugging the absolute crap out of me or that I yelled at him. I still had things to do if I wanted to you know, clothe myself and my son (laundry) and feed myself my and my son (groceries). 

I go over to my moms and start laundry there because my apartment has completely useless machines. If I did my laundry in there I would be spending 20 dollars just to get it done. I decide to leave the child with my mom as I obviously couldn't handle him at the moment. I rarely flip out on him but when I do I always apologise and explain what caused my reaction, in this case incessant pestering.

I've only recently started to understand that much of my anxiety is not only socially related but sensory related. I just came across some information on sensory processing disorder and I am now thinking I have some of that happening and that I always have. I get overwhelmed by sound. I get overwhelmed by new people as well as large groups of people. I am socially awkward and also tend to give T.M.I. and then feel stupid and angry for giving T.M.I. 

I grind my teeth in my sleep. I have actually ground off the bottom fourth of my front tooth. I went to get it fixed but I still haven't gotten a mouth guard. I considered my problem of waking up with anxiety may be being caused by the constant siren sounds outside my window, waking up hearing the television blasting and the child banging around endlessly.

While on the edge of insanity and having chest pain I got groceries and went in search of ear plugs. I was on a mission. I went to the dollar store, nope, not there. I went to Walmart and you would think they would have them, but nope! So I went to the drug store and finally found some. During this time I had texted my ex to tell her my anxiety was really bad and if she could pick up the kiddo after work and take him for the night that would probably be best. 

She said she would go get him A.S.A.P. My mom babysat him for about an hour till his mom picked him up. I thanked them both for their help and understanding.

So now it's the day after all that. I slept with ear plugs in and woke up without a sore jaw and without that awful feeling of anxiety first thing in the morning. I hope this works for when my son is here. I'm going to have to tell him no TV till I get up. 

See the fun thing about me and my son is that we are polar opposites when it comes to sensory issues. He is sensory seeking and I am sensory avoiding. So you can see how it could be a difficult mix. 

So there you go. Luckily my ex is going to keep him for the next few days. I need a break. Tonight I am still going to his Tae Kwan Doe test. If he does well he gets his yellow belt. Hopefully he isn't going to still be upset about yesterday, but he usually bounces back pretty quickly. 

Irony that one of my earlier blogs was called Depression and Dead Babies...

So I haven't been blogging in.. forever. I am going to try to make a concerted effort to do it more regularly. Update time! So I have been single for a while and boy does it SUCK being the other mother. I think that's what I should have called my blog. Maybe I can change it. Anywho, I am the secondary mom because I was in a relationship with said childs biological mother for a long time and during that time I raised him therefore acquiring said son, who is awesome by the way. However co-parenting is a challenge to say the least, especially as the "other" mother.

But then that is the ideal..

So on to the irony! I decided to try to have a baby on my own with a donor! Ooooooh she crazy! Yes I am, a little. But I did it anyway. And I did it all by myself, well except for the generous contribution from my sperminator. I got pregnant pretty easily and was all excited as a person is likely to be. Everything was seemingly okay other than feeling nauseated for for the first 3 months and then ravenous for the next two. And after the first trimester everything is bound to be okay! .... NOPE! That is a total lie that society tells us.

The real truth is that most times when you find something wrong with your baby it's during the second scan at 18 to 22 weeks. The worst part is that there is this seeming collusion to minimize the concern over the pregnancy and telling the woman. "We should make an appointment for another test, but it will probably be just fine!" Well it PROBABLY WASN'T. I went at 19 weeks for my first second trimester ultrasound still blissfully ignorant and wondering what the sex of my child was. When the ultrasound tech leaves the room to go talk to someone and takes a while to come back, that's a bad sign, if you didn't know.

At that point it was off to the high risk unit, a week later. So I go in at 20 weeks and I find out my baby has a growth in her kidney, yes she was a girl, and a possible heart defect, oh and if that wasn't bad enough she had hydrocephalus. According to google:

 "Hydrocephalus is commonly referred to as "water on the brain." The so-called "water" is actually cerebrospinal fluid (CSF), a clear liquid that looks like water and is produced in the 4 ventricles (cavities) of the brain, connected by narrow pathways."

Now what google doesn't tell you is that because of all that extra fluid in the head, the brain doesn't have the room it needs to grow. Also they can't do fetal surgery for that while you are pregnant. I called other hospitals in other countries hoping for some kind of miracle doctor that could save my baby by putting a shunt in her head. But I was simply in denial. My childs odds were insurmountable. My doctor told me it was probably a genetic fluke and it just happens sometimes. They sent off some tests while I was going through one of the stages of grief, acceptance.

I came to the decision to have a termination. I never thought in my entire scope of life that I would EVER choose to terminate a life growing inside of me because any child I would have would have been wanted. I never even thought something like this could happen or would happen. It's the big huge thing no one talks about seriously, dead babies.

I had to wait another 4 days to get the termination. Four days that I walked around feeling her move inside of me. Four days I had to say goodbye to someone I thought would be a part of my life for as long as I lived. The first thing I did was call a friend to get me marijuana. I was losing my mind over the loss of my child and I knew at this point it wouldn't hurt her and it would help me to calm down so that her last days weren't all feeling my overwhelming anxiety and sense of loss.

I went to a quiet place, a park, and I held my belly and I talked to her and I apologised to her for not making her healthy. I told her I loved her and said goodbye. I was a little over 23 weeks pregnant (5 months) when I had to go in to the hospital and lay on a bed while a doctor put a HUGE needle through my belly and uterus and into my baby girl to put her down like you would a broken puppy.

It took the doctor 3 tries because she moved around so much. She was a fighter my little girl but in the end she couldn't run from it, and neither could I, there was no where to go. Then it took 3 days of waiting while medicine designed to begin labour was pushed into my vagina every few hours. I had an epidural not knowing that you can't eat after having one. I was starving the whole time and all I could have was jello. And I waited. For three days. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and felt different, hot and strange and I knew.

My nurse said maybe I should go pee, I didn't think so but I agreed to try. I sat up and blood and fluid ran down my leg ruining my new slippers. She was coming. My ex, who I have a long and complicated relationship with was the one that was there for me the entire time. We had shared losses in our past so it seemed oddly appropriate.

My child was born while I was holding the hand of Rachel the nurse on my right and my ex on the left. My eyes were locked shut but I felt her slip out of my body into the sounds of my crying, not hers. Both our eyes were closed and hers were never to be opened. I will always wonder what colour her eyes would have been.

I don't care what religious people say. My own aunt, my "god mother" basically called me a murderer in a facebook message to my mom. But I have a clear conscience because I took her pain. I took it and I carry it every day so she didn't have to feel it. She had peace and that's more than I will ever have. She will always be my little girl. She will always live in my heart. I will miss her endlessly.

Sorry this was hella depressing but this is a part of my life and it's a part I talk about because I don't want her forgotten, her or any of the other babies and mothers that have gone through this debilitating loss. Don't worry I have BPD so my moods change quickly I'm sure the next blog will be much more fun. But at least you know why the post was titled as it is.

I wrote this poem during those 4 days I had left with her. In the end I did get to see her face and kiss her but it wasn't healing for me. I just knew if I didn't do it I would regret it. But she was already gone and I knew and felt that. She wasn't warm, her belly didn't move up and down and her eyes never opened. In the end I grabbed my exes hand and led her out of that hospital. I left that hospital with a memory box, not a baby, and what kind of memories are in that box now? The saddest piece of my heart lives in that box.

Now if you have read this far then this is your reward. On the way back home with my ex driving of course, I had this overwhelming feeling that is very hard to put into words. It was like everything and nothing at the same time. It felt like the universe blanketing me in joy and absolute brokenness all at the same time. I can't really explain it but it is something I have never felt in my 33 years of living on this planet and she gave me that. I choose to believe that was her gift to me.